Turns out the Bible has got some crazy assed shit in it.

We’ll start today’s sermon with a reading from Exodus 2:11-22 (New International Version)

11 One day, after Moses had grown up, he went out to where his own people were and watched them at their hard labor. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his own people. 12 Glancing this way and that and seeing no one, he killed the Egyptian and hid him in the sand. 13 The next day he went out and saw two Hebrews fighting. He asked the one in the wrong, “Why are you hitting your fellow Hebrew?”

14 The man said, “Who made you ruler and judge over us? Are you thinking of killing me as you killed the Egyptian?” Then Moses was afraid and thought, “What I did must have become known.”

15 When Pharaoh heard of this, he tried to kill Moses, but Moses fled from Pharaoh and went to live in Midian, where he sat down by a well. 16 Now a priest of Midian had seven daughters, and they came to draw water and fill the troughs to water their father’s flock. 17 Some shepherds came along and drove them away, but Moses got up and came to their rescue and watered their flock.

18 When the girls returned to Reuel their father, he asked them, “Why have you returned so early today?”

19 They answered, “An Egyptian rescued us from the shepherds. He even drew water for us and watered the flock.”

20 “And where is he?” he asked his daughters. “Why did you leave him? Invite him to have something to eat.”

21 Moses agreed to stay with the man, who gave his daughter Zipporah to Moses in marriage. 22 Zipporah gave birth to a son, and Moses named him Gershom, [b] saying, “I have become an alien in a foreign land.”

Now allow me to surmise that. Moses, seeing his people being beaten, checked there was no one around and got all medieval on his Egyptian ass then buried the mutilated remains in the sand.

Turns out that some local do-gooder tossers had seen him and started giving him shit. Fortunately for them, all that killing had given him some major league horn so he blew them of and went in search of pussy.

After several lines of Columbian marching powder and half a pint of Whisky (wine is fine but whisky’s quicker as Ozzy once sang)  he had the luck to come across SEVEN FUCKING SISTERS and ‘did know them’ in a massive incestuous orgy. That however was where his luck ran out and he got one of them up the duff after some serious bare back action. Being a good man at heart he married her.

The End.

Now I’ll be the first to admit it’s got a crap ending but I’m telling you, I wouldn’t mind going drinking with Moses.

It would seam to me that the moral of that particular story is that It’s cool to kill and womanise. Sorry did I miss something?

As some one somewhere once wrote, Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count.

And don’t get me started on 2 Kings 2:23-24

23 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some youths came out of the town and jeered at him. “Go on up, you baldhead!” they said. “Go on up, you baldhead!” 24 He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.

That’s right FUCKING BEARS ATE FORTY TWO CHAVS for shouting at some old guy.

Now please, no body have a sense of humour failure on me

My male and female halves are, I think, best explained by this comic strip.

So it’s obvious from that, that it’s my female half which is currently building a laser ‘trip wire’ alarm for the bottom of my garden. I did originally want Sharks with frickin’ laser beams but I seem to be having the same trouble as Dr Evils people. Damn those animal rights activists.

I shall leave you with this quote from Oscar Wilde ‘I have the simplest of tastes. I’m always satisfied with the best’.

No wonder Kris has grown up with such mental scarring.

All I can think to say is, BOOM HEADSHOT.